Disconnect
Before I left for my trip away I wrote a few posts about how things have been for me spiritually in the past weeks. I guess the best way to describe it is a time of questioning. I hope within the questioning in these posts, there is a glimmer of hope or a sense of God in some way, because I really believe there is purpose in this with Him, that He is here through it. It reminds me of that verse, “Where can I go from your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? … Even the night shall be light about me” Psalm 139:7; 11. Anyway, I would hate for it all to be a downer to read. May He always be glorified.
So this is another experience I’ve had.
Recently a relative questioned my faith, because of the anxiety that is often very obvious in my life. This relative said that if I really had faith in God, then I would not worry as I do.
And I agreed. At the end of the day, if I had ‘victory’ in this area, I would believe that God has my life in His hands, that I can trust Him, and that this trust would be shown in my peacefulness. That would be faith in action.
The funny thing is, I actually do believe that God has my life in His hands and that I can trust Him, but there seems to be a disconnect between that belief and the evidence of my life in this area.
I have got so tired of so many of these ‘disconnects’ in my life. I’m tired of limping my way with God. Settling, because I can’t muster the spiritual energy to do the real hard work with the Holy Spirit to bring about meaningful change. I used to. Back in the early days where I was excited about what God might do. Where did that excitement go Lord, and how can I find a fresh dose?
I never want to be lukewarm. God even prefers being cold toward Him than lukewarm Revelation 3:15, 16.
The truth is I am a bit washed up spiritually at the moment. Fatigued and dry. I have asked Jesus for plenty of grace to tide me over. I was also reminded of Aaron and Hur, and how they held up Moses’ arms when he became fatigued at holding up the rod of God Exodus 17:12. How important we are to each other along the way.
I have a mustard seed of faith that stamina will be renewed and after that, that God will work something new, deep and lasting, that will hopefully show the reality of faith in Him as well.
St. Francis of Assisi said, “Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.” From the Message version we hear apostle Paul in his letter to the Romans say, “By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can’t see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of his divine being. So nobody has a good excuse.” (The whole chapter one in this version is amazing.)
I don’t know exactly where the struggle you are facing is derived from; you might not either. That is ok. Simple diagnosis and trite answers are not what you are seeking. The reason I share the preceding quotes is to suggest to you that maybe your answer will come in an unexpected form. You mention here much about feeling. You even mention a fresh dose of excitement. This is just an outsiders speculation, yet it may be that God is wanting to deepen your experience with him to a new solidity that goes beyond feelings. Not replacing or removing the feeling part but going to a new place beyond the emotional experience. All that wonderful emotional spark may return after you have learned to commune with your creator in this new way he is drawing to you. He often surprises us by removing the crutches that replace his almighty bulwark in our lives so that we may learn to depend on him anew. I am reminded of Jacob’s wrestle, Moses’s burning bush, David’s valley, Saul’s blindness before his name was changed, Esther’s death threat, and the muteness of John the Baptist’s father. These were all instances when the former paradigm of God’s involvement in the person’s life was radically challenged. In each of these instances the people chose, as you have, to say, “Though they slay me yet will I trust him.”
That little seed is in the dark ground. Tend it. It will burst forth to the light, strong and very changed from the form it resembles now.
Truly @ngie, this is amazing. Your wisdom and grace from God are so ministering and so helpful. A big part of this seemed to ring in my spirit as I read it and I suspect God will show me something through your reply. You have helped me look with fresh eyes. You are a blessing, and so is your deep faith, thank you.
Birgit, I love you Princess! I am sorry that someone talked to you like that, instead of encouraging you. Belief and trust, is a growing thing, and even the greatest in the “Hall of Faith” had there times or crisis of unbelief. I know I do, and although they are all different, and for different reasons, HE is teaching you and me, to believe more, and to trust more. Keep moving in the direction you are moving in, you are an incredible woman of God, even if you can not see it. Saying a prayer for you! you are precious to me, and I love your honesty!!
WELCOME BACK!!! I missed you so!
How great is your encouragement, darla! What a precious gift. Since I’ve got back it seems like I am just soaking up each of your blogs and comments here. Like God knows exactly how dry I am and is going overtime to give some refreshing. I’ve felt bogged down, but I can’t explain how good it is to be back in the midst of God’s family. He is real and He lifts us up and He replenishes us, and He has used you as part of that today. Love you darla, and thank you, God’s love flows from you.
Please remember..that even when you feel that there is a ‘disconnect’ His love never changes ..nor does He stop using you for His glory..and I know this is true because of the way your posts have touched and changed my heart..and my life..and my walk with Him..
Don’t let those moments of ‘disconnect’ persuade you that you aren’t still doing amazing things for His kingdom and glory..because you are…and you have…and I know you will continue to do so…because it’s obvious that’s what your heart truly wants…
I think..with the world events the way they are lately…perhaps God is asking many of us “Will you still have faith..even when you don’t have the warm, tingly excitement that you once had..even when it appears I’m silent..or at a distance..will you still keep believing..and keep urging others to do so ?”
I will…and I know you will ( and do ) also…
God bless you…
Tamara, thank you so much for this, your kind words have meant so much to me. It is a hard time in a number of ways and the truth of what has come through in the replies today has reminded me that sometimes faith involves no tingly feelings, as you say, but simple steadfastness, knowing that God is still there and is still holding us.
The way you described God’s call in the hard times is beautiful and motivating and something I want to say ‘Yes’ to. Thank you for this, and it’s lovely to ‘meet’ you.
I saw this after the photos in South of France. So glad you were able to take some time out. God is big enough to handle your doubts. And the reality of not always being able to ‘Snap out’ of these seeming times of dryness means we have to just hang by faith, and keep holding, on until the sun shines again and we ‘feel’ close to God again. But even if those feelings take a while to come back, we hang on to Him. We do our stock-take homework and check if we are physically pushing the boat by eating junk, not sleeping enough, working too hard and not getting enough ‘me’ time(like Elijah after Mount Caremel), we check ourselves spiritually by forgiving anyone who has hurt us, delaing wiht any obvious sin and keeping the armour on, and we check our souls by taking stock of what goes into our ears ( music, gossip etc), eyes etc. and if nothing springs to mind that needs adjusting, we hold on, and hold on, and hold on, telling God how we feel, saoking in His presence, and just hold on. When I was young and my mum wanted to start giving me responsibilities and house duties, she would first stay wih me, them be in the other room, then go out and leave me to it!I didn’t like the latter, but it taught me that God does the same with us. He builds us and our faith in times of dryness. Glad the sun has come out again, but next time, you’ll know thet though you wallk through the shadow of death, He is STILL there. He loves you and holds you it the Palm of His hand. ALWAYS.xxx
I have been feeling spiritually bi-polar myself, lately. One hour I feel so full of joy and peace and hope and then the next I am totally cranky and dissatisfied. Not with God, but with myself and my life. Reading Colossians helps me when I am struggling with who I am. I subtitled it “How He sees me.” He has been showing me lately how much He believes in His people. We don’t deserve it, of course, but I think He is trusting in the work He is doing in our lives, even if we don’t see it right now. I am quite sure He believes in you. XO
Birgit, transformation is a life-long process. We don’t go from worry warts to perfection overnight. In fact, we are only perfected when we are joined with Him in Heaven. It’s both good news and frustrating news. God gave us feelings not to ignore them. Worrying is just focussing on our feelings more than focussing on what we know to be the truth. When I worry – and I do – I make a concerted effort to stop and I give thanks before I do because I know He’ll come through. We are living sacrifices and that means that we have a tendancy to crawl off the altar from time to time. What God focusses on in how many times we crawl back on. :)
You know, Birgit, I’ve been anxious much of my life. I think it’s part of my nature, but it could also be nurture. My father and grandmother never had much peace and yet they knew the Lord. In some of us, anxiety is a dysfunction.
Can God take that away? Yes, He can. Does He recognize it as a difficulty for us? Sure, He does. He spoke about it Himself as He walked the earth, and He spoke through Paul in the book of Philippians. Then, as Angie so eloquently pointed out, all the examples we have in scripture of those who struggled with moving past a point of wrestling.
It is what it is. It is the struggle we have in the flesh with the words of God and the reality of this existence.
“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed…”
It is an opportunity to see His power at work…to feel His strength holding you up in the midst of the storm, in this case, anxiety.
Praying for you, Birg. Love you. ;)
Hi Laura, wonderful advice, thank you! I like the way you pointed out all the practical things to take into account too, and your encouragement to ‘hold on’ as God grows our faith. Thanks so much, and God bless xo
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Dear Tawny, I relate to the up and down feelings lately ;) I loved reading about the insight God is giving you about how much He believes in us as His people – that in spite of our own feelings, or what others might say, that He sees us through Jesus’ blood and with belief in us, so good, thank you! ox
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Hi Hope, yes, ‘works in progress,’ it’s so good to remember that, knowing that God is transforming us day by day, and as you say, that this is a life-long thing! It really struck me the way you described us as living sacrifices on God’s altar – it was such a helpful picture to be reminded of, thank you, bless you :).
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Hi Michelle, it was interesting to read that you can relate to feelings of anxiety and also where you feel it may have stemmed from. My struggle with anxiety seemed to enter in at the time of my involvement in the occult, and after I became a Christian, it is something God has been working on ever since :).
I loved your really biblical response here too – that both Jesus and Paul spoke about the problem of worry, and that we are earthen vessels through whose frailties God’s glory is shown. Thank you for your love and prayers :)
I think I may have told you, I delved into the occult as a child. I thought it was all innocent fun, but it truly affected me and caused much fear for many years. The deliverance I received was a work of God. I was 20 when I realized the effects. Yet, I do believe the enemy knows it is a weakness and continues to shoot his fiery darts in that direction.
If only my children would understand the power of darkness. I’ve told them my story, but it’s just Mom. They have never been allowed to read or watch things that have occultic connotations. Now that my oldest is 19, he thinks he’s old enough and mature enough and “grounded” enough to handle [game]. I’m really struggling with this and his anxieties seem to be increasing. Do you have any advice? Am I being too legalistic? That’s what they all think. I KNOW we’re fighting against principalities and forces of evil, but they just see me as eccentric.
Hi Michelle, I really relate to your experiences of the occult and the fear that it brought into your life. I completely understand how you would be concerned for your children. Unfortunately there seems to be a real intrigue that the occult holds for lots of people, and also a view that it’s all a bit of harmless fun. Maybe some people can dabble in it and be fine, but in my experience, all the enemy needed was a door that was a little ajar. Fear and anxiety entered my life in a tangible way, and I could not make a ‘logical’ connection between the two. It was only after I became a Christian that I understood the kingdom of darkness as real.
It must be hard for you that your children are not fully able to take hold of what you have told them about the occult yet. Regarding advice for your son, I’ve found a link to a helpful article which he might consider reading (I’ll email them to you), but I think that prayer is really key, which I’m sure you’ve been doing. God can open our spiritual eyes and give us a discernment in a way that is impossible any other way.
Are you being too legalistic? No. God finds occultic practice an ‘abomination,’ which is a very strong word (Deuteronomy 18:12). The Bible is full of passages instructing us to keep clear of it. If God takes this seriously, then so should we, is my way of thinking. And as I said before, the enemy only needs an inch.
This is interesting timing as it is Halloween next week and if (big if) – if it is possible, I would like to try to post a video of my testimony here that I gave on TV. I talk about my involvement in the occult and the consequences it had on my life as well as the awesome power of Jesus to set me free. I can’t promise though unfortunately, as a few things have to come together, including working out how to transfer the media, before this can happen – so – Lord-willing!
Love you Michelle, and I’ve started praying for your children in this whole area.
Thank you, Birg. I appreciate your thoughtful response and especially the prayers. We’re on the same page with our understanding. Must be the likemindedness of the Spirit. ;)
I hope that video will work. I would love to hear more of your testimony. God works beautifully in your life!