Should Men Let Women Go First?
Yesterday I waited at a bus stop.
As the bus pulled up, it opened its doors right in front of the guy beside me.
He could have just jumped on, no problem, but when he saw me there, he made a point of stepping aside and letting me go first.
“Thank you!” I warmly replied, and I genuinely appreciated it.
It got me thinking about chivalry.
I realise that some women (and men) may take objection to me being so whole-hearted about this guy letting me go first, or opening a door for me, or even giving up a seat on a crowded train. I understand the objection to sexism and the assumption that women are weaker or helpless or need special treatment in some way.
But I think there is another way that chivalry can be viewed, that in these small gestures, something important and good is being expressed.
That inbuilt in these acts are qualities that are valuable and worthy of respect – things like consideration, courtesy and putting the interests of another ahead.
That it’s kind and good to put the interest of another ahead, even in small ways.
I think it must be very confusing for men, unsure about whether women will feel condescended to or honoured. What I find hard is that whether or not an assumption of sexism is at the root of chivalry, for the man at the bus stop it seems that his intention is simply to do something nice. And that intention, to me, is so valuable.
I want to say something nice about Michael here. He is the first to offer to help a woman with a heavy suitcase and willingly gives up his seat if we are on a train. For him, his intention is never to patronise but just to be considerate and to be helpful. And it is that heart that I wanted to praise, I think it is so good.
What do you think about chivalry?
Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others Phil 2:4.
Hi Birgit,
As a nearly 50 year old woman in a culture that idolises youthfulness, I am mostly invisible in a crowd. Every now and then a man, usually an older one, will step aside to let me through a door first or to hold it open for me. His intention is simply to honour me as a woman and I like it. Rather than putting me down I believe he is exhalting me. For the same reasons I like to defer to other people in a crowd and let them go before me through a door, or have the better seat, etc. Perhaps we should just change the word “chivalry” to “courtesy”? It seems to me that this liberated age we live in is also a rude and selfish one.
I love when men serve women like that. It is about servitude. I really am one of those that believe the scripture that God calls men to be our leaders — which means they must be the biggest servers. Jesus said our biggest leaders should take the lowest position and serve most…. acts of chivalry are just that – putting others first. I love it and alwyas make a point to go out of my way to thank them and tell them how much I appreciate it! :) I like what carol was saying too — courtesy!!! :) just liek a man would help another man if they saw he was struggling with a big load of things. I don’t get at all the modern feminist movement….
I think the problem is that ‘young men’ have not been ‘taught’ how to be gents. In fact, I believe they have been scared off it by feminism (their mothers). I have seen ladies standing whilst young men sit but I think it doesn’t even cross their mind to stand up! It isn’t neccesarily because they are selfish, it has not been part of their culture.
There are of course exceptions; your Michael and my Tim being at least 2!! Though Tim, at times, has stood up for a lady and got accused of flirting!
Hi Carol, so good to hear your thoughts on this. I really liked your view of being honoured by having a door held open, rather than being put down. And yes, I can see what you mean about ‘courtesy’ being a good exchange for ‘chivalry.’
Your last sentence really struck me as well.
With love and blessings, hope you’re well.
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Hi Randi, it’s such a good point you raise about servanthood. That the biblical responsibility to lead expresses itself in servanthood, and that chivalry is an example of this. I always really love your input :) God bless.
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Hi Simone, so great to hear your view on this and your point about ‘teaching’ things like standing for women, is such a good one. I love seeing a man stand for a woman, I just think it shows such dignity in the man, and gives such dignity to the woman! Bless you, hope you and Tim, and Lydia and Elijah are all doing well :)
15 years ago I found out that chivalry was not dead! I was ecstatic then and still am. I do have to say that Scott is always there to help a me carry things open doors, and not only does he let me go first…but if the glass is full and cold…its always mine..and if the coffee is fresh that one is mine too..hahaha I go easy on him… LOVE IT
The root or reason men were taught to do this in the first place is in fact a biological one. When it is a certain time of month for the woman, it can be dangerous to stand for long amount of time, or when pregnant. A man cannot tell by looking, and since it is rude to ask, they were taught just to always do it, and women to accept it whether they were needing it or not. I had to ask several times whilst pregnant for a seat, at Church usually! No-thanks to Feminism… Same goes for opening doors and going down stairs in front of and upstairs behind the woman – in case she trips or falls, she will be protected by the man – and maybe even an unseen unborn child too. It goes way back to the beginning, as there are only a finite number of wombs and ova in one tribe, women and their limited reproductive ability were prized and to be protected. For eg, this is why the men walk onto a Marae first, and do the speeches, as this meant if they were going to be attacked for not coming in peace or saying something challenging in their speech, the tribe may lose menfolk but not precious womenfolk… Very interesting I could go on about this all day but I have to go and get the children from school!
I’m all for it and believe that it is something greatly lacking in our generation and especially in the generations coming up behind us. Sad actually.
Always, men should let women go first and as mothers we have a responsibility to teach our boys how to behave. (Well, the dads do too. But I think the boys will learn it if the dads are doing it.)
Hi Darla, that’s great! I love hearing stories like that! You are blessed :)
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Hi Ruth, I always love your input and found this really interesting. I have to say, that that is one thing that does make me angry, when a visibly pregnant woman is left standing when there are no available seats. I remember travelling with a friend on a bus who was 8 months pregnant in the heat of summer, and no one stood for her. She actually began to feel so ill, that she had to get off the bus several stops early!
I can understand your point then, that there is a very valid biological reason here too!
Lots of love to you, and Chris, and the children xoox
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Hi Rachel, I know what you mean, and yeah, it is really sad.
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Hi Michelle, great point about dads, their example is huge!
The most charming thing I have ever witnessed was a VERY elderly man getting up on a train for a young healthy woman. He could barely stand up but it was so honourable and beautiful I could have kissed the guy! I see beauty in men when they are so respectful.
I think it is really important that dads teach their little boys how to be gents. Whenever Tim goes away on business he leaves Elijah in charge (to a certain extent, of course ;-) Full of pride and responsibility he tells me daddy told him to look after his girls.
Elijah not so long ago went down the stairs in front of me. All of a sudden he stops half way through and lets me go first because ‘ladies goes first’. It made me feel so proud of him. Strictly speaking he should have carried on to stop my fall in case (poor little guy) but the thought was beautiful!
hi Birgit. :-)
As a woman I am all for chivalry. I agree with the above comments that as parent we have a responsibility to teach and model manners including chivalry and consideration for others. good post.